A few weeks back, I received an inbox message from someone calling himself Jon Edwards King from Africa who wanted to help me claim a share of an inheritance of $5 million from some poor invented bastard who allegedly had the same surname as me. My first thought (as ever) was to delete the message and shake my head thinking that some poor bastard out there might possibly fall for this bullshit, maybe a little old person or just someone who was thick as pigshit yet greedy at the same time.
I decided it was in the public interest to engage with Jon and see how far I could take him before :
a) He quit, thinking I was a total nutjob, or
b) he asked for my bank account number, sort code etc.
This is what happened .......
Andy
Facebook inbox message 19/03/2013
Dear Andy Prendergast,
Good day,I know you would be very surprised to read from someone relatively unknown to you before.I must first apologize for sending you this unsolicited message and I want you to know that the essence of this message is strictly confidential and for mutual benefits between you and I and nothing more.Though I have n...ot considered this medium to be the best manner to have approached you on this issue being that the internet has been greatly abused over the recent years and is very unsecure for information of vital nature like this.I have decided to take the chance seeing that no other means could have been faster and more efficient for now.
Please take your time to read and understand it all,I will start by introducing myself properly to you;I am Mr.Jon Edwards,a citizen of the republic of Benin.I am a lawyer by profession.
I am writing in respect of one Engr.George Prendergast,I worked for him as his family lawyer for many years,he was a contractor with Texaco petroleum here,he spent most of his life-time here but as fate had it,he died with his wife(ELDORET)and their only son(SAREL),including his mother inlaw in plane crash of 25th December 2003 in Cotonou(Republic of Benin).
A bank agent came to me at the first time by may 2006 to inform me of the fund deposited in their bank by my late client which I knew too well and their board of directors resorted that hence the entire family was wiped out,it now falls on me as his family lawyer to provide a member of my late client's extended family to lay claims to the fund deposited by their brother.In this regards,I have tried several avenues even through your embassy here to locate his close-relations but all to no avail.
The bank just issued me a notice few days ago to provide a heir to the fund or they will have the funds confiscated as an unclaimed bill and their mandate is that the heir must bear the same surname with my late client as enshrined in the deposit agreement.
Late Engr.Prendergast had no WILL but his certified next of kin was his wife who died alongside with him and that is why I am mandated by law as his personal lawyer to provide the nearest relation hence the law of inheritance in my country does not make provision for estate management/agreement rather the right is given to the approved heir/beneficiary.
Under this pressure,I resorted to tracking his last name on facebook,this is how I got to you,I know you may not be related to him,my interest is that you possess the identity I need,what I need now is for you and I to agree on a deal,we are just fortunate to be in the position hence you bear the same surname with my late client,then I will inform the bank that I have located my late client's relative so as to transfer the fund to you.Hence the fund is completely transfered to your bank,then I will travel to your country where we can share the fund as we shall agree.
I require your honest co-operation to enable us see this transaction through,I guarantee you that this will be executed under a solid legitimate arrangement that will protect you and I from any breach of the law,I will provide you with all the legal documents that will back you up for this claim.
Upon receipt of your positive response,we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for the transfer.
Awaiting your timely response.
Sincerely,
Jon Edwards Esq.
Jonkay Chambers
Member:National Legal Advisory Council [NLAC].
Office:Flat 3,2nd Floor,04 BP:0100 Cotonou-Benin.
9/03/13 Face Book Inbox From Andy Prendergast
Jon,
Thank you for your kind invitation, I think it would be useful for you if I send you my bank account number and sort code so we can get things moving - what d'ya think Jonno? Do you mind if I call you Jonno?
Regards
Andy
20/03/2013 Facebook Inbox From Jonkay Edwards
Dear Mr.Andy Prendergast,
Thanks for your interest to uphold this project.First,I want to assure you that this is 100% legal as long as it is kept between two of us,I am a lawyer here and wont get myself/firm involved in anything that is unlawful,I have my integrity and my family to protect,be rest assured that what we are doing is legal and safe.
IN A NUTSHELL:
What I do need from you;First,ho...nesty and transparency;REASON;as soon as I introduce you to the bank as a relative to my late client,the communications will be open between you and the bank,I will only depend on you for updates hence I am the one that has all informations to make this a success,moreso,at the end,this fund is going to be remitted into your account,there is the possiblity of you denying to have anything in common with me,while I would be looking unto you for my own share of the funds.In this regards,we shall have a documented agreement bonds which will reflect that we have something in common and also our respective entitlements.
After the agreements,I will go to the bank to submit an inherittance funds release application on your behalf,from there the bank's formalities will be observed respectively.This deal is only going to be known by you and I,in no condition should you let the bank know that I have any special interest in this transaction/fund rather than giving you services as my late client's heir.We are going to work everything our easily because the law of inheritance in my country does not make provision for estate management/agreement rather the right is given to the approved heir/beneficiary,this is why I contacted you,it is my responsiblity to have you approved as the apparent heir to my late client in accordance with the law of inherittance. Bear in mind that we are going to go through normal and legal inheritance claim procedure so that the claim will be fully legalized and/or notarized. This is why I have to guide you appropriately till we finally have the fund wired into any account of your choice for our sharing.
I will have to let you know that we need to confidentially and maturely handle this project because of the amount involved,We are talking about five million United states dollars,the amount can easily elicit eyebrow from anybody and that is why it must be handled between us and be kept confidential. If you wouldnt mind,your presence here will be of great impact for it will quicken the actions,so let me know the possiblity of you coming down here and the timing should be considered,even if you cant make a trip now,I think we can still work together perfectly.
The total amount of five million United States dollars will then be transferred to you as the beneficiary and be shared according to my proposed sharing ratio of 60:40, i.e. 60% for me and 40% for you. I will provide all the necessary legally procured documents to back up any claim we make regarding this process,and will just require your understanding and cooperation as well as maintaining a very high sense of confidentiality untill we confirm our fund transfer into your nominated bank account to enable us achieve success within a legitimate arrangement,eliminating any liability resulting from any breach of the prevalent laws.
As soon as I have your sincere assurance to keep my share on trust without denying me of my share as soon as this fund is transfered to you,My dear,I shall arrange and submit a text of application of intent in your name to the bank,puting claims for the release and transfer of the said fund to you,thereafter I shall avail to meet you in your country for my share and my posible investment over there as you shall recommend to me.
When you have considered these,provide me with some of your informations so that I can first prepare the agreement bonds which we will have chance for vital studying and indorsements as well so that we dont encounter any kind of misunderstanding during or after the transactions.I request that you provide me with this informations
below.
Your Full names..............
Your Age/marital status...............
Your Address...........
Your Occupation...........
Your Email...............
Your Phone number(mobile).....
Thanks once more for your understandings.
Awaiting your timely response.
Sincerely,
Jon Edwards Esq.
Jonkay Chambers
Member:National Legal Advisory Council [NLAC].
Office:Flat 3,2nd Floor,04 BP:0100 Cotonou-Benin.
Thanks for your interest to uphold this project.First,I want to assure you that this is 100% legal as long as it is kept between two of us,I am a lawyer here and wont get myself/firm involved in anything that is unlawful,I have my integrity and my family to protect,be rest assured that what we are doing is legal and safe.
IN A NUTSHELL:
What I do need from you;First,ho...nesty and transparency;REASON;as soon as I introduce you to the bank as a relative to my late client,the communications will be open between you and the bank,I will only depend on you for updates hence I am the one that has all informations to make this a success,moreso,at the end,this fund is going to be remitted into your account,there is the possiblity of you denying to have anything in common with me,while I would be looking unto you for my own share of the funds.In this regards,we shall have a documented agreement bonds which will reflect that we have something in common and also our respective entitlements.
After the agreements,I will go to the bank to submit an inherittance funds release application on your behalf,from there the bank's formalities will be observed respectively.This deal is only going to be known by you and I,in no condition should you let the bank know that I have any special interest in this transaction/fund rather than giving you services as my late client's heir.We are going to work everything our easily because the law of inheritance in my country does not make provision for estate management/agreement rather the right is given to the approved heir/beneficiary,this is why I contacted you,it is my responsiblity to have you approved as the apparent heir to my late client in accordance with the law of inherittance. Bear in mind that we are going to go through normal and legal inheritance claim procedure so that the claim will be fully legalized and/or notarized. This is why I have to guide you appropriately till we finally have the fund wired into any account of your choice for our sharing.
I will have to let you know that we need to confidentially and maturely handle this project because of the amount involved,We are talking about five million United states dollars,the amount can easily elicit eyebrow from anybody and that is why it must be handled between us and be kept confidential. If you wouldnt mind,your presence here will be of great impact for it will quicken the actions,so let me know the possiblity of you coming down here and the timing should be considered,even if you cant make a trip now,I think we can still work together perfectly.
The total amount of five million United States dollars will then be transferred to you as the beneficiary and be shared according to my proposed sharing ratio of 60:40, i.e. 60% for me and 40% for you. I will provide all the necessary legally procured documents to back up any claim we make regarding this process,and will just require your understanding and cooperation as well as maintaining a very high sense of confidentiality untill we confirm our fund transfer into your nominated bank account to enable us achieve success within a legitimate arrangement,eliminating any liability resulting from any breach of the prevalent laws.
As soon as I have your sincere assurance to keep my share on trust without denying me of my share as soon as this fund is transfered to you,My dear,I shall arrange and submit a text of application of intent in your name to the bank,puting claims for the release and transfer of the said fund to you,thereafter I shall avail to meet you in your country for my share and my posible investment over there as you shall recommend to me.
When you have considered these,provide me with some of your informations so that I can first prepare the agreement bonds which we will have chance for vital studying and indorsements as well so that we dont encounter any kind of misunderstanding during or after the transactions.I request that you provide me with this informations
below.
Your Full names..............
Your Age/marital status...............
Your Address...........
Your Occupation...........
Your Email...............
Your Phone number(mobile).....
Thanks once more for your understandings.
Awaiting your timely response.
Sincerely,
Jon Edwards Esq.
Jonkay Chambers
Member:National Legal Advisory Council [NLAC].
Office:Flat 3,2nd Floor,04 BP:0100 Cotonou-Benin.
20/03/13 13:08 Facebook Message From Andy Prendergast
Hi Jonno,
Wow! FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOHEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's a lot of moolah. I could vastly expand my Star Wars figure collection with that kind of money. I still live with my mother. I'm a stay at home son. My favourite singer is Cliff Richard. Do you like Cliff too? he's very famous although my mum says he has a 'hint of lavender about him'. I don't know what that means.
Regards
Wow! FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOHEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's a lot of moolah. I could vastly expand my Star Wars figure collection with that kind of money. I still live with my mother. I'm a stay at home son. My favourite singer is Cliff Richard. Do you like Cliff too? he's very famous although my mum says he has a 'hint of lavender about him'. I don't know what that means.
Regards
Andy
I have been waiting all day for you to contact me regarding Uncle George's millions of pounds. I have been looking through the Argos catalogue all day planning my spending. I think I will buy a trampoline with a net round it as I have no sense of balance. I am also thinking of having my hair cut like Justin Bieber as he seems to have plenty of chicks after him and my mum says I should get a girlfriend as I am not getting any younger. I also suffer from involuntary tics.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Best
Andy
pls am preparing the agreement,as soon as is ready,i will send it to you that will be ready today or tomorrow
22/03/13 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Hi Jonno,
I am very pleased to hear that you are working on my case even at the weekend. I am usually busy at the weekend as I have many hobbies. My favourite hobby is mopery. There is also a little lady I have my eye on, she works at Greggs the Bakers. Her name is Beverley. She is quite a big girl girl but as she says, that makes more of her to go around. If I had loads of money I could impress her and she could have the tattoo removed from her neck which reads 'I love Vinny'. Vinny is no longer with us which is why Beverley spent some time Styal Prison.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Best,
Andy.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Best,
Andy.
24/03/13 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Hi Jonno,
Don't seem to have seen an agreement yet. I have been waiting by my computer all day for 2 days now. My involuntary tics have been getting worse and some of my Tourette's symptoms are coming back. I went to the supermarket earlier and shouted 'MINGE!' in the bakery section. I think it would be a good idea if you sent me YOUR bank account details (Sort Code, Account number etc) then I could wire some monies to your bank account so you know you can trust me. Let me know what you think. I have to go now as some Sunday Jehova's are knocking at the door. I hope my Tourettes doesn't play up while they are talking to me, last time I shouted "FUCKSTICKS".
Best
Andy
25/03/13 Hotmail Message From Jon Edwards King
Please I am not hear for a joke,I want a serious fellow to handle this project with me and not a joker.
25/03/13 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Hi Jonno,
... I can assure you I am a very serious fellow. People often remark on how serious I often look. My next door neighbour Keith often says to me "Cheer up you miserable C-word". I don't like him very much.
Andy
Andy
26/03/13 Hotmail Message From Jon Edwards King
ok,i will send it soon....
26/03/13 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Hi Jonno, that's great. You are the best friend a boy could have.
Jonno the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own I'll never be alone
And you my friend will see you've got a friend in me
(you've got a friend in me)
Best
Andy
And you my friend will see you've got a friend in me
(you've got a friend in me)
Best
Andy
27/03/13 Hotmail Message From Jon Edwards King
Dear Mr Andy,
Here is the agreement attached,download it,read the terms and if it i...s
in order,then go ahead to print it and sign your space,then scan and
send it back to me for my own signatory and stamp.
Sincerely,
Jon Edwards Esq.
Jonkay Chambers.
Member:National Legal Advisory Council [NLAC].
Office:Flat 3,2nd Floor,04 BP:0100 Cotonou-Benin.
in order,then go ahead to print it and sign your space,then scan and
send it back to me for my own signatory and stamp.
Sincerely,
Jon Edwards Esq.
Jonkay Chambers.
Member:National Legal Advisory Council [NLAC].
Office:Flat 3,2nd Floor,04 BP:0100 Cotonou-Benin.
Jonno also included a nice picture of himself hard at work in his office....
27/03/2013 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
Thank you for sending me the agreement, everything seems above board and very professional. I will take it to the library tomorrow to scan in on their computer. My scanner is not working because I tried to scan my cat Mr Jingles so I would have something to remember him by (he has an incurable disease called Cat-Fever or something). Mr Jingles did not enjoy the scanning process (I think it was the bright lights). The scanner fell off my Ikea desk and the lid broke off.
Thank you again
Andy
29/03/2013 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you? as for me, I am fine. I tried to print out my agreement at the library yesterday. When I printed it the agreement came out the size of a postage stamp on the paper and I could not fit my signature on it. Even if i could you would not have been able to read it. I asked the library woman to help me print it the right size and she told me she was 'far too busy for your nonsense again' .I am going to go to the big library in Manchester on Saturday where they might be more helpful. While I was at the library I borrowed a book called '50 Shades of Grey' that everyone has been talking about. It is supposed to be about a handsome millionaire and I thought I could get some lifestyle tips from it. Boy oh boy it's very strange, this Grey bloke is a right weirdo, the things some people get up to.
Anyway, I will hopefully post the agreement to you on Saturday when I can make it the right size for the scanning.
I have to go now as I am buying a big Easter egg for Beverley. She likes Smartie eggs. I might see if I can get a pastie off her as she's working.
Best Wishes and Happy Easter
Your friend
Andy
2nd April 2013 Hotmail Message From Jon Edwards KIng
Goodmorning,here is the full endorsed agreement bonds attached.I am
going to the bank this morning to submit the inheritance funds release
application letter in intent to your name,I will let you know the
outcome.
2nd April 2013 From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you?, as for me I am fine. Thank you for your copy of the agreement, everything seems in order. Things are looking good on the inheritance front. I can't wait til I am a dollar millionaire. When I am rich how about I come and see you in Africa. I have never been to Africa but I used to watch Daktari a lot. I believe it is very hot.
As we are now best friends I have drawn a p...icture of what I think my trip to Africa would look like (see attached).
In the picture I am wearing my new I "I ♥ Justin Bieber" t-shirt. I am a big, big fan of Justin Bieber, as well as being a great singer and dancer he is also full of attitude.
How are you?, as for me I am fine. Thank you for your copy of the agreement, everything seems in order. Things are looking good on the inheritance front. I can't wait til I am a dollar millionaire. When I am rich how about I come and see you in Africa. I have never been to Africa but I used to watch Daktari a lot. I believe it is very hot.
As we are now best friends I have drawn a p...icture of what I think my trip to Africa would look like (see attached).
In the picture I am wearing my new I "I ♥ Justin Bieber" t-shirt. I am a big, big fan of Justin Bieber, as well as being a great singer and dancer he is also full of attitude.
I look forward to meeting you soon.
Your Friend
Andy
Your Friend
Andy
7 April 2013 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you? As for me I am a little disgruntled. I have not heard from you for several days now and I am beginning to wonder if this agreement is ever going to happen. I certainly hope so as I spent all day on Friday in Liverpool getting a passport so that I can come to Africa to see you. I had to wait a few hours for the passport so I had a walk round. I did not see any of the Beat...les although I seem to recall one or two of them are dead. The lack of money appearing is also causing me problems with Beverley. She is not happy that she is still having to work at Greggs as I told her that she could give up work when I am a man of means. She has even threatened to start dating the bloke who delivers the uncooked sausage rolls etc. For your information I have attached a picture of Beverley at work so you can see what I risk losing. Beverley is the one on the far left who looks like she may once have worked at a care home until being dismissed for various 'incidents'.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Your Friend
How are you? As for me I am a little disgruntled. I have not heard from you for several days now and I am beginning to wonder if this agreement is ever going to happen. I certainly hope so as I spent all day on Friday in Liverpool getting a passport so that I can come to Africa to see you. I had to wait a few hours for the passport so I had a walk round. I did not see any of the Beat...les although I seem to recall one or two of them are dead. The lack of money appearing is also causing me problems with Beverley. She is not happy that she is still having to work at Greggs as I told her that she could give up work when I am a man of means. She has even threatened to start dating the bloke who delivers the uncooked sausage rolls etc. For your information I have attached a picture of Beverley at work so you can see what I risk losing. Beverley is the one on the far left who looks like she may once have worked at a care home until being dismissed for various 'incidents'.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Your Friend
Andy
09/04/13 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you? As for me, I am fine. I have not heard anything today after I sent my application letter. I hope everything is okay and it got to the bank alright. Last night I could hardly sleep with excitement. When I did sleep I had a brilliant dream. I dreamt about my trip to Africa to see you when I get my 60% share of 5 million dollars. In my dream we went on a waterskiing trip on a speedboat in the sea. me, you and Mr Jingles 2) The boat was driven by the bank manager. I think we can make this dream come true and don' worry I will put up the cash for the boat hire and skis. I hope they have sea where you live, if not we might find a decent size boating lake if you don't have a drought on.
I have to go now as my mum is shouting me to take my medication. If I don't take them I start getting cranky. I have to go now, what do you think I do - write letters all day?
Speak soon,
Your friend
Andy
How are you? As for me, I am fine. I have not heard anything today after I sent my application letter. I hope everything is okay and it got to the bank alright. Last night I could hardly sleep with excitement. When I did sleep I had a brilliant dream. I dreamt about my trip to Africa to see you when I get my 60% share of 5 million dollars. In my dream we went on a waterskiing trip on a speedboat in the sea. me, you and Mr Jingles 2) The boat was driven by the bank manager. I think we can make this dream come true and don' worry I will put up the cash for the boat hire and skis. I hope they have sea where you live, if not we might find a decent size boating lake if you don't have a drought on.
I have to go now as my mum is shouting me to take my medication. If I don't take them I start getting cranky. I have to go now, what do you think I do - write letters all day?
Speak soon,
Your friend
Andy
09/04/2013 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you?, as for me I am fine. I have checked my spelling on the application email and I think I spelt it wrong so I have sent it again. What time is it in Africa? - over here it is 8 o'clock at night. I might have an After Eight Mint. Do you have After Eights in Africa? basically it's a posh thin chocolate with mint in the middle. For some reason you can only eat them after 8 o'clock at night. I asked my friend Keith why that was and he said it might because you get the shits if you eat them earlier. Keith is quite clever, he used to work as an accountant until his wife left him and he had a nervous breakdown. He spent several months in hospital because he believed he was Kevin Costner. They cured him by repeatedly showing him 'Waterworld'and 'The Postman' for three solid weeks.
I met Keith at the hospital where I have treatment for my condition. The excitement at becoming a millionaire seems to have made it worse and earlier today my Aunt Flo rang for my mum and I shouted "TWATPISSCOCK!". Mum went mad.
Anyway, let me know if you hear from the bank tomorrow.
Your Friend
Andy
10/04/2013 Hotmail Message To Jon Edwards KIng
Dear Jonno,
Glad to hear you are feeling well, I am okay but a little sad as our great former leader Baroness Thatcher died yesterday. She was very old and apparently she had been stroked.
Anyway, I have STILL heard nothing from the bank. I am beginning to worry that Engineer Uncle George's money will never appear.
Beverley is also fed up of waiting and she has been on a date with the uncooked sausage roll delivery man. She'll regret it as my mum says I would be quite the catch for any woman, despite my tourette's and involuntary shouting. In fact, this waiting around has made my condition worse. Last night I went to see my Auntie Flo at the old peoples home she lives in. It was all going well until I shouted "BASTARDCLUNGE" and was asked to leave.I still have my dream of Africa though and I have attached a picture of what I think my life there would be like, instead of Beverley I have taken up with a chimpanzee like the bloke in Daktari. At least the chimp won't be a money-grabbing old slapper.
If you wouldn't mind popping down to the bank to move them along that would be great.
Your Friend
Andy
11/04/2013 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you? as for me I am fine.
Who the flipping heck is MR.EGMONT MAURICE GERRIT RADEMEYER? I don't know him and I don't want him getting my share of Engr Uncle Georges money!!!!!!!!!!
Tell him to go and find his own dead wealthy relative who dies in a plane crash.
Regards
Regards
Andy
11/04/2013 Hotmail Message From Jon Edwards King
Sorry,I didnt know,this is for another client of mine,my secretary
sent you a wrong message.I went to the bank and they confirmed
receiving your application.
11/04/2013 From Internationale Banque pour le Republique des Afrique (remittance@ibra.gov.om
THE OFFICE:MRS ADRIAN KOKOU
DIRECTOR OF REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
INTERNATIONALE BANQUE POUR LE REPUBLIQUE DES AFRIQUE (IBRA)
AVE JEAN PAUL II
... COTONOU-BENIN REPUBLIC
ATTN;ANDREW PEREGRINE PRENDERGAST,
THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND RELEASE APPLICATION LETTER TENDERRED TO THIS OFFICE.
EMERGENCY BOARD MEETING HAS BEEN SUMMONED IN THIS REGARD AND YOU WILL BE CONTACTED SHORTLY PENDING THE RESOLUTION FROM THE MEETING.
THANKS,
MRS ADRIAN KOKOU
DIRECTOR OF REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
DIRECTOR OF REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
INTERNATIONALE BANQUE POUR LE REPUBLIQUE DES AFRIQUE (IBRA)
AVE JEAN PAUL II
... COTONOU-BENIN REPUBLIC
ATTN;ANDREW PEREGRINE PRENDERGAST,
THIS IS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR INHERITANCE FUND RELEASE APPLICATION LETTER TENDERRED TO THIS OFFICE.
EMERGENCY BOARD MEETING HAS BEEN SUMMONED IN THIS REGARD AND YOU WILL BE CONTACTED SHORTLY PENDING THE RESOLUTION FROM THE MEETING.
THANKS,
MRS ADRIAN KOKOU
DIRECTOR OF REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT
11/04/2013 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
That's okay, it's easy to make a mistake, I'm sure it must be very busy in your office. I bet there's loads of wealthy engineers dying in plane crashes and leaving large sums of money all the time where you come from. I bet you're sick of them!
A lady from the bank called Adrian Kokou sent me an email. She sounds nice. I hope she doesn't look like Adrien from the Rocky films though..., she was a right boiler.
Must go as me and Keith are going to the cinema to see Brokeback Mountain. Keith says it's a Western. I like Westerns especially when they have cowboys with big guns.
your friend
Andy
That's okay, it's easy to make a mistake, I'm sure it must be very busy in your office. I bet there's loads of wealthy engineers dying in plane crashes and leaving large sums of money all the time where you come from. I bet you're sick of them!
A lady from the bank called Adrian Kokou sent me an email. She sounds nice. I hope she doesn't look like Adrien from the Rocky films though..., she was a right boiler.
Must go as me and Keith are going to the cinema to see Brokeback Mountain. Keith says it's a Western. I like Westerns especially when they have cowboys with big guns.
your friend
Andy
12/04/2013 FROM THE OFFICE:MRS ADRIAN KOKOU
DIRECTOR OF REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT INTERNATIONALE BANQUE POUR LE REPUBLIQUE DES AFRIQUE (IBRA)
AVE JEAN PAUL II
COTONOU-BENIN REPUBLIC.
ATTN;ANDREW PEREGRINE PRENDERGAST,
WE HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR INHERITTANCE FUNDS RELEASE APPLICATION LETTER TENDERED TO THIS OFFICE DATED 10/04/2013,ORDER HAS BEEN ISSUED FROM THE EMMERGENCY BOARD MEETING HELD ON 11/04/2013 TO PROCEED WITH THE OFFICIAL LOGISTICS TOWARDS FALICITATING THE GENUINTY OF YOUR CLAIMS AND SUBSEQUENT RELEASE/TRANSFER OF THE SAID INHERITTANCE FUND.
IN LINE WITH OUR LAID-OUT RULES FOR SUCH TRANSACTIONS,INHERITANCE FUNDS CLAIMS,AN OFFICIAL QUESTIONNAIRE FORMALITY FORM (ENGLISH VERSION) STAMPED BY THE EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF THIS BANK HAS BEEN ATTACHED TO THIS LETTER AS PART OF OUR SCREENING WHICH WILL AUTHENTICATE YOUR CLAIM.
BOTH THE GOVERNORS AND THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK RESOLVED THIS AND YOU ARE HEREBY INSTRUCTED TO PROVIDE THE ACCURATE INFORMATIONS AND ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONNAIRE.
BE INFORMED THAT ANY MISTAKE IN THE ANSWERS WILL LEAD TO THE CANCELLATION OF YOUR CLAIM.
YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN 72 HOURS TO FILL THE QUESTIONNAIRE FORMALITY FORM AND RETURN IT TO THIS OFFICE,YOU ARE ALSO REQUIRED TO FORWARD THE SCANNED COPY OF FUNDS DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE ISSUED TO THE DECEASED CUSTOMER ON THE DEPOSIT AND HIS DEATH CERTIFICATE OBTAINED FROM NATIONAL POPULATION COMISSION EITHER FROM THE BENIN REPUBLIC OR DECEASED'S COUNTRY OF ORIGIN.
NB:ALWAYS COMFIRM RECEIPT OF OUR MAIL BY A RETURN MAIL.
COTONOU-BENIN REPUBLIC.
ATTN;ANDREW PEREGRINE PRENDERGAST,
WE HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE THE RECEIPT OF YOUR INHERITTANCE FUNDS RELEASE APPLICATION LETTER TENDERED TO THIS OFFICE DATED 10/04/2013,ORDER HAS BEEN ISSUED FROM THE EMMERGENCY BOARD MEETING HELD ON 11/04/2013 TO PROCEED WITH THE OFFICIAL LOGISTICS TOWARDS FALICITATING THE GENUINTY OF YOUR CLAIMS AND SUBSEQUENT RELEASE/TRANSFER OF THE SAID INHERITTANCE FUND.
IN LINE WITH OUR LAID-OUT RULES FOR SUCH TRANSACTIONS,INHERITANCE FUNDS CLAIMS,AN OFFICIAL QUESTIONNAIRE FORMALITY FORM (ENGLISH VERSION) STAMPED BY THE EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF THIS BANK HAS BEEN ATTACHED TO THIS LETTER AS PART OF OUR SCREENING WHICH WILL AUTHENTICATE YOUR CLAIM.
BOTH THE GOVERNORS AND THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK RESOLVED THIS AND YOU ARE HEREBY INSTRUCTED TO PROVIDE THE ACCURATE INFORMATIONS AND ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONNAIRE.
BE INFORMED THAT ANY MISTAKE IN THE ANSWERS WILL LEAD TO THE CANCELLATION OF YOUR CLAIM.
YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN 72 HOURS TO FILL THE QUESTIONNAIRE FORMALITY FORM AND RETURN IT TO THIS OFFICE,YOU ARE ALSO REQUIRED TO FORWARD THE SCANNED COPY OF FUNDS DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE ISSUED TO THE DECEASED CUSTOMER ON THE DEPOSIT AND HIS DEATH CERTIFICATE OBTAINED FROM NATIONAL POPULATION COMISSION EITHER FROM THE BENIN REPUBLIC OR DECEASED'S COUNTRY OF ORIGIN.
NB:ALWAYS COMFIRM RECEIPT OF OUR MAIL BY A RETURN MAIL.
.
14/04/13 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you? as for me, I am worried. Mrs Koko at the bank sent me a form to fill in. It is asking all sorts of questions about Engr. George Prendergast that I don't know the answer to. What the hell do I do now?
It's all going wrong now Jonno - should I just make some dates and names up and send it back to the bank?
I might get my freind Keith to help me. He's good at this kind of thing as he was quite clever before his breakdown. I have enclosed a picture of Keith so you know who I am talking about. I took this picture of Keith while we were waiting for the tram to go into town. Keith's satchel contains his secret things and he won't let anyone near it.
This form from the bank has made my Tourette's much worse. Yesterday my mum had a visitor round for afternoon tea and whilst they were chatting I shouted "PISSFLAPS!" and spat at him. Luckily for me he is a Vicar so he didn't try to hit me as some people do.
Please let me know what to do asap
Your friend
Andy
Forward the letter from the bank so I will see it and know what to do about it.
Dear Jonno,
How are you? as for me I am fine. I have sent you a copy of the bank letter so hopefully you will be able to help me. I've never been good at filling forms in, even when I know the answers. I am especially useless when it comes to making things up so that I can inherent a spurious small fortune.
I would have asked Keith to look at the form and help me but he had one of his funny turns yesterday and has had to be sectioned again. He was found wandering in Piccaddilly Gardens singing selected songs from Oklahoma! while dressed as a Praying Mantis.
Anyway, I must go as Aunt Flo is coming round and I've been told I have to stay in my room because of my 'outbursts' as mum calls them. Yesterday while watching TV, Aled Jones came on and I shouted "ARSETWAT".
Your Friend
Andy
How are you? as for me I am fine. I have sent you a copy of the bank letter so hopefully you will be able to help me. I've never been good at filling forms in, even when I know the answers. I am especially useless when it comes to making things up so that I can inherent a spurious small fortune.
I would have asked Keith to look at the form and help me but he had one of his funny turns yesterday and has had to be sectioned again. He was found wandering in Piccaddilly Gardens singing selected songs from Oklahoma! while dressed as a Praying Mantis.
Anyway, I must go as Aunt Flo is coming round and I've been told I have to stay in my room because of my 'outbursts' as mum calls them. Yesterday while watching TV, Aled Jones came on and I shouted "ARSETWAT".
Your Friend
Andy
21/04/2013 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you? as for me I am perturbed. It's been nearly a week now since I sent you the form from the bank that was asking awkward questions -... I still have not heard back from you. I'm beginning to wonder if this agreement will ever happen. This week I was a bit down as my friend Keith is still sectioned and also on of my favourite entertainers was arrested for doing bad sex things. That entertainer was Rolf Harris, have you ever heard of him? he's amazing. He can play many different instruments including the Stylophone which he also invented. I used to have a Stylophone when I was young. I learnt to play the theme tune from Dr Zhivago on it.
Anyway, I digress....I am also worried as I have been out spending lots of money on a shopping spree for some new clothes for my wardrobe. Nothing too flashy but I want to smarten myself up a bit as I am looking for a new girlfriend (Beverley is still seeing the cold sausage roll man). I have sent you a picture of me in one of my new outfits. I went on one of those speed-dating things the other night and met a nice girl called Tina. Things were going very well until my condition kicked in and I shouted "SLIPPERTITS!"......oh well.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards
Andy
23/04/13 Hotmail Message From Jon Edwards King
I will provide you with the answers tomorrow
25/04/2013 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you? as for me I am fine. I am so glad you sent your reply on Tuesday, I thought our agreement had gone by the wayside and I thought I would have to take my fancy new duds back to Primark and Matalan. How are you getting on with filling in the bank form with the awkward questions? I'm rubbish at that sort of thing. I had to fill in a form at the hospital yesterday - boy was it difficult. Also the doctor was was asking all sorts of things including how I felt when I looked at some weird ink shapes he showed me. I told the doctor that one of the shapes looked like Jimmy Savile throwing peanuts at a tractor and he sighed quite loudly which I thought was quite rude of him.
The doctor has changed my medication for my Tourettes condition as the current pills are not working too well. I went for an interview on Monday to see if I was fit to go back to work and I was doing okay until I shouted 'FANNYBATTER'.
While I was at the hospital I visited my friend Keith as he has been sectioned recently. Keith is not doing too well and he has been singing 'Loving You' by Minnie Ripperton over and over when he is awake.
As Keith is our local vigilante crimefighter I have had to take over his duties while he is not well. I have enclosed a picture of me in my costume, my name is Captain Britain but my real identity is a secret so keep it to yourself.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Your Friend
Andy
03/05/2013 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Jonno,
How are you? as for me I am fine. It has been some time since I sent you the awkward bank form. I am starting to think that maybe you have cold feet and that this deal will never happen. If it helps you I have attached my ideas of some answers for the questionnaire. Let me know what you think and I'll send it to the Koko lady at the bank.
I have to go now as my mum is shouting for me, I think she fell down the stairs again the selfish old cow.
Your Friend
Andy
03/05/13 Hotmail Message From Andy Prendergast
Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Write-My Friends,
this'll be the last email I ever send your ass
It's been six days now and still no word - I don't deserve it?
I know you got my last two emails;
I wrote the addresses on 'em perfect
So this is my email I'm sending you, I hope you see it
I'm in the car right now, I'm doing 90 on the freeway
Hey Jonno, I drank a fifth of vodka, you dare me to drive?
You know the song by Phil Collins, "In the Air of the Night"
about that guy who coulda saved that other guy from drowning
but didn't, then Phil saw it all, then at a a show he found him?
That's kinda how this is, you coulda rescued me from drowning
Now it's too late - I'm on a 1000 downers now, I'm drowsy
and all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call......
Your Friend
Andy (The Real Slim Shady)
http://trenchreynolds.me/
